About the Blog

We are a couple of youths (no longer teenagers but not quite adults) who are preparing to make our way through Europe in the next 3 1/2 months. This blog will serve as a way to share our stories and reflect as we move along.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Auschwitz


We've come to a bit of a stumbling block in our writing. Much of Germany had been filled with interesting history and beautiful scenery. However, there have also been some extremely disturbing things we've recently experienced. It started in Berlin (which we will post a bit later) with the memorials to the victims of the Holocaust. The discomfort continued on the train tracks through Poland. By the time we began to go through Auschwitz the discomfort had evolved into shock and extreme sadness. The experience was well worth it but there have been times since where at least I (Gabe) have regretted going. The experience gets too real and it's usually when I see pictures that the despair kicks in. We have struggled with how to describe what we experienced because our words seem insignificant, almost insulting. How do you tell about something that has shaken you to your core? It's been a process but here's what we have.

One of the first things we noticed upon entering Poland was how outdated the public transportation seemed in comparison to much of Western Europe. 


The train system was sluggish for international travel and painfully slow when commuting between local cities. Many of our stops had no station building, no platform for exiting. The trains had a tired feel to them like they had been worn just past the point of usefulness. We covered short distances with long hours in a very jerky sort of way. We gazed at piles of brick and rubble along the tracks, skeletons of buildings that had never been restored.


I (Amanda) don't know what I had been expecting but it wasn't this. After a toiling day of traveling, observing, and feeling grateful for all that we have, we settled in for some rest. 

The following morning we took a train from Krakow to the city Osweicim. This is the location of Auschwitz, the largest extermination camp established by the Third Reich during WWII.  Our intentions were clear to us from the start. We had no interest in moving around with a tour group, listening to facts and snapping pictures. I (Amanda) do know that many tours can be well done having experienced such a trip at Dachau four years ago. When we went, we were there to be present. We believe that our experience was more powerfully impacted because of our decision.

We spent our day at only one of the three sites that comprise Auschwitz, Auschwitz II- Birkenau. Emotionally, it was just too hard to go any further. 

We could see it from 1,000 yards away. Everything was exposed. The only thing separating the inside from the outside was a single barbwire fence. 


There had been absolutely no attempt to mask what was going on, no denying the truly outrageous reality of what was happening. The 'Gate of Death" has a singular rail track going through it where hundreds of thousands of people entered but that is the only structure that really impedes a view, the rest is out for everyone to see.



When we walked in it really felt like stepping into another world. There is a somber feeling that surrounds that place. You walk through the gates, look down the rail tracks, and on both sides of you, almost as far as you can see, are barbwire fences that were used to keep people inside. The rail splits off, at one time allowing the trains to deposit people inside the camp. We saw pictures of the people and they were standing then exactly where we were standing.

There is a vast array of ways that you respond to the surroundings. Emotionally there were feelings of deep sadness unlike any I (Amanda) have ever experienced. Utter disbelief, disappointment, despair. Physically it felt like there was a large lump in my throat, a sob that I was trying desperately to swallow but no how many times I gasped I could not alleviate it. And then we would go to yet another horrifying place and my tears would run rampant and for some small moment there would be a release only to feel that lump return just as restrictive as before. 

We turned left towards one of the bunker areas that was used to house women and children and to preform medical experiments. Several of the bunkers were still standing and you could go inside. It's very hard to put the feelings we felt inside that one large room into writing but it was without doubt the most terrifying place we've ever been in. As soon as we walked through the door we were overcome with fear and just wanted to leave. We felt like we shouldn't have been there, obtrusive. There were cubbies in the wall 6 feet by 4 feet by 2.5 feet stacked 3 high where whole families sans fathers would live. The cubbies were made with stone and wood planks. Some of the walls still had pictures of the children's drawings. It was dark, damp and terrible. 

We moved on through the camp, going further towards the back where the gas chambers and crematorium were located. It was a painful walk, retracing those steps that carried so many to their death. When the Russians were advancing on the Eastern Front in WWII, the Nazis blew up the gas chambers in an attempt to hide what they had been doing. Thus, all that was left of the gas chambers in the Birkenau camp was rubble and a few partial walls. Even so, being there was chilling. Several groups of Israeli nationals were waving their flag and reading poetry in Hebrew near the chambers. The placards by the rubble explained the gruesome process  of gassing massive groups of people and estimated at the numbers of those who died there.  You could see the stairs where people were led down to undress, it was a long hallway leading to the gas chamber. It was dark and looked terrifying. I (Gabe) felt terror looking down those stairs. The fact that it was underground kept going through my head. I just kept imagining the darkness, surrounded by people who you probably didn't know, separated from your family. While I felt this terror, I couldn't possibly begin to grasp at what someone imprisoned there must have felt. 

The gas chambers and crematorium really threw a wrench in my thought process. When I was there I had the constant problem where my mind would stop working. I tried to focus on what was around me but I just couldn't. A phrase or an image would repeat itself in my head. I tried to reason through why something like this had happened and why this place existed. The answer was simple enough; this place existed to kill people and the whole camp was set up to do that in the most efficient way possible. But that answer just didn't seem enough to me; It was simultaneously gross and inadequate. As for why something like this happened, that is beyond what any of our reasoning could comprehend.  A wave of nausea accompanied us as we stared down at the abrupt conclusion of the railroad tracks, in every way the final destination for so many. 


Somberly we walked away. Walking was haunting because the scenery was so beautiful. Birds were chirping, grass had grown long and the sky was blue. How beautiful this place could have been if it hadn't been tainted. I  (Amanda) would find myself appreciating the trees or sweet songs of the birds only to reprimand myself for finding anything even remotely pleasant about where I was. I gazed at fields of flowers knowing that's where bodies once burned and I couldn't bring myself to hate. 


I don't understand how humans could dehumanize each other like they did there. People put people in cars designed for cattle, converted stables to "housing". There was a building known as the Sauna where people were processed; their clothes and possessions taken, hair shaved off their whole body, forced to identify no longer with their name but a number tattooed to their skin. All they had left was a suit of black and white stripes and they were taken to work until their death. 

We came to another former gas chamber where you could still grab ahold of the bricks of the wall. There were pictures of a boy, about 7, waiting in a grove of trees for his turn in the gas chambers. And we moved through that same grove of trees, sitting down on a bench for a long time. It had gotten too real for me (Gabe). It's one thing to read about these things in books, see the numbers and hear stories. To actually see the evidence makes you really question humanity. This was where part of me wished I hadn't come. I stuck my hands in my hair, elbows on my knees, and we sat there for a long time. 

When we finally got up we walked back to the front of the camp. Our conversation was repetitive, remarking about the absurdity of the place. I (Amanda) think we spoke in circles because neither of us really knew what to say and silence was uncomfortably quiet. After so much emotion your brain can't handle anymore. We left at that point. To resume the simple tasks of everyday life felt wrong. How could I jump right back into looking at train timetables or think about finding dinner? How could I not feel overwhelming shame?

I don't think this post really sums up what it was like for us to be there. There is a feeling that you get at Auschwitz that I've never felt before and I couldn't even bring to words when I was feeling it. If you get a chance, go. There are times I wished I hadn't gone but I feel like there is a responsibility to be aware of what xenophobia, racism, and nationalism can get you. On a broader scale it's an us vs. them mentality that is promoted in our culture to a much smaller scale. It's important to remember that the ultimate goal of racism was achieved with places like Auchiwitz and it's important to not just try and stop it once it gets to that point, but to be proactive.

We miss you guys a lot. 

3 comments:

  1. You both are seriously wonderful writers. I have enjoyed every single post in addition to this one, as hard as it was to read. Although you feel like this post didn't really sum up what it was like there (and maybe it really doesn't), but I was incredibly moved by what you wrote. I found myself struggling to keep focused on reading as my mind just wandered thinking about the horror that happened there as you painted this picture. Thank you so much for sharing your journey--even the hard and difficult parts. Praying for your safety and for your hearts after this specific visit. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi guys - we love you and miss you - I have never been there, but I think your post makes me see why Theodor Adorno wrote that "poetry after Auschwitz is barbaric." Now comes the challenge of using your understanding and your witnessing and even that hurt in your hearts to make the world move in a positive direction, however small. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. The story of this happening has always been a burden on my heart and psyche. Thank you for your blog. I feel that the emotions you felt there were imprinted into the ground and buildings and probaby will never leave. The depths of despair...go on and on. Have a safe rest of the journey. Love you...gram

    ReplyDelete